MOTHER-16
Folks, it is sooo very hard to see my mom in her condition. Just to look at her, most days,you would think that she was just a very cold natured old lady taking a nap.
This is not the case at all!!! She no longer knows who we are, cannot not feed herself or even hold a glass of water. Today, the facility had to put her in a geri-chair instead of her wheelchair because she can no longer hold her head up.(For those that do not know, a geri-chair can be reclined a little or almost fully reclined. It is used as a last resort for having some one sit up.) This chair can be slightly reclined, therefore Mother’s head will lean against the back of the chair, making it easier to give her meds, feed her and also easier for her to swallow.
The lady that I go to see now is a stranger in my mom’s body.
I have no way of knowing how much of her brain is dead, if she does know who I am-her eyes and actions say not-, if she is in pain, thirsty, hungry or if she would like something special to eat.
I know that it will hurt for her to die, because I am selfish, but also know she will be whole again. But it hurts to see her in this condition. I can’t even do for her because I have no clue what she would like for me to do.
I told DD#1 that she needed to do what she had to do in order to deal with this. I need to follow my own advice and try to rid my self of some of this pain. I cry almost everyday now, but the pain still cuts deep.
DD#1 asked what my brother and I were going to do if Mother quit eating or became unable to swallow. I told her “nothing, it is her decision that we do nothing”. Mother has a living will and has verbally stated many times that she did not want to be kept alive by any means if she would be paralyzed, brain dead or unable to function normally. Bless her, she did not know that she would become brain dead because of problems she has had for years.
Til Next Time
